


Learning to Love Again

by Yoruko_Yamirai



Series: The Half Life and Adventures of a Former Time Traveler [1]
Category: Homestuck, InuYasha - A Feudal Fairy Tale
Genre: Canon Divergence, Drama, F/M, Foul Language, Hurt/Comfort, Kankri is an idiot, Mentioned violence, Misunderstandings, Romance, head canons possibly?, slight AU, there were a couple different routes I could've taken this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2016-03-07
Packaged: 2018-05-25 06:25:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6184177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yoruko_Yamirai/pseuds/Yoruko_Yamirai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone who can take off their shipping goggles long enough to actually think about the dynamics of Kagome and Inuyasha’s relationship and Kikyou’s effect on it knows that a relationship between them either wouldn’t work out or would turn out to be unhealthy for both parties. Even Kagome herself came to see it eventually. But she was still hurt, and wasn’t sure what to think of romance anymore. Then she ended up on Alternia, and the trolls’ quadrant system put things into startling perspective for Kagome. And amongst friends who mostly proved truer than most humans Kagome had met despite the volatile nature of some of their relationships, she healed. When the dream bubbles and pre-scratch trolls came along this became doubly so amongst people who were actually closer to her age. Finally, she came to develop feelings even a human like her could only describe as pale for a certain motor-mouth. But when he takes her confession the wrong way will she be heartbroken and driven into the arms of another? Or will he get his act together before it’s too late? KagomeKankri</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning to Love Again

**Author's Note:**

> This is also posted on fanfiction.net. Plus if there’s inconsistency it’s because Meenah and Aranea are the only dancestors to show up regularly enough to get a good grasp of what they’re like in canon and I attempted to reconcile fanon with my impression of canon. Thus my take on Kankri, which would probably be considered ooc whether you’re going purely by canon or abiding by fanon interpretation. For a long time I didn’t like him, but I try to give him a chance since I realized a while ago that how I would describe my impression of him is similar to how my family has described my own bad qualities. As for the thing with Kagome and Inuyasha... the character Inuyasha is alright I guess, but I consider him a jerk and feel Kagome deserves better than someone she can never be completely assured loves her for her.

Learning to Love Again

>Kagome: Think about depressing love life.

A part of Kagome always knew things could never work out with Inuyasha, somewhere in the back of her mind. It was just more apparent before she had feelings for him and after she finally gave up any romantic turn their relationship might take as a lost cause. There was the obvious problem of Kikyou. On the one hand there was the obvious. Kagome had ended up flip-flopping between heartbreak and jealousy because of the drama that was Inuyasha’s relationship with the semi resurrected clay version of the long dead lover he’d only just learned needed mourning. More importantly, though, Kagome always knew that even if literally everyone else saw her as inferior to her incarnation she would never be able to truly beat or even match Kikyou in Inuyasha’s eyes. 

It was more than the blatant comparisons. After her own relationship with Inuyasha began to improve Kagome saw the way he looked at her and just knew. She knew almost instinctively that there were times- how often it happened was anyone’s guess- where Inuyasha looked in her direction but was actually looking straight through her and seeing Kikyou rather than Kagome. Kikyou had come into the half youkai half human boy’s life first, and there would always be a part of him that saw Kagome as nothing more than Kikyou’s reincarnation at best and an inferior copy at the worst. Even if Inuyasha had returned Kagome’s feelings she would never truly know or ever be fully reassured that he loved her for her and not for being Kikyou’s reincarnation.

While Kikyou was at the heart of the biggest problem with any potential there might at one point have been between Kagome and Inuyasha, and the most depressing issue at that, she was least important. Kagome was young and inexperienced in the ways of the world, not stupid. Even if they ever had gotten into a relationship it would never work out. For one thing, Kagome was from a different time, and it was impossible to be certain that a relationship could endure. Then there was the final nail in the coffin, the biggest problem. The relationship would never have lasted, and if it had been long lasting it would surely have become unhealthy. Kagome and Inuyasha just didn’t get along well enough. 

They had always clashed, always argued about things that didn’t necessarily actually matter or had differing opinions on the things that mattered most. Sometime that last fact relieved Kagome, made her feel better that nothing had ever happened between them. And at others it depressed her because she knew that had things turned out differently in the right ways she would have given up literally everything she cared about to be with him. Regardless Kagome had still ended up hurt and insecure. She wasn’t sure she ever wanted to experience real love if her volatile relationship with Inuyasha or Sango’s and Miroku’s rocky yet somehow workable relationship were common. Not that Kagome was sure that it even mattered anymore, considering Earth hadn’t been her home for a long time. For the past few years, she has been living with aliens called trolls.

==> Reminisce beginning of current situation

Kagome doesn’t know how she ended up on Alternia. The experience was more sudden and confusing than when Mistress Centipede dragged her down the Bone Eaters’ Well that first time. One minute a sound distracted her from her friends’ conversation as they debated whether to camp there for the night or attempt to reach a village with an inn. With the quest over there was much more leisure time for such things, and for once there was no rush as they returned to Kaede’s village so Kagome could go home. The next thing the time traveling girl knew there was a green flash and she was somewhere with a lot of gray, the green and pinkish-purple moons alerting her to the fact that she wasn’t on Earth anymore. She found she was grasping a note written in white on green paper that read ‘Welcome to your temporary new home. I’m afraid you will find yourself unable to return to Earth, but you will doubtless come to know almost as well as I that this is probably for the best. Your little misadventures sent the path your life was meant to take off course, after all. Please do enjoy your second chance.’  
In Kagome’s wanderings it didn’t take her long to reach what seemed to be an ocean, judging by the vast size and the scent. Eventually, however, the long trek combined with the strain of the long day she’d had caught up with her. Exhausted, she fell unconscious just as she finally had followed the shoreline enough to approach a building with a figure with long horns standing out front. When she woke up she met Gamzee Makara, who introduced her to Alternia and troll culture with the help of his best friend and eventual moirail- just a pale crush back then- Karkat Vantas. 

It didn’t take Kagome long to settle in and befriend not only those two but most of their ten other friends. Sure they were younger than her by three years- or in troll terms approximately a sweep and a half- but that didn’t matter to Kagome. Nepeta, Sollux, and Kanaya in particular were interesting conversationalists and easy for her to get along with. Though a couple of them got on her nerves or creeped her out. Mainly Equius, Eridan, and to the confusion of most Tavros. Equius meant well, but his obsession with horses, aka ‘hoof-beasts’ was creepy and bordered on beastiality, and the condescending attitude his take on the hemospectrum gave him was frustrating. Eridan was a bit of a weird one. If you could get him to calm down he was a good friend and Kagome got along all right with him, or at least could have. And she (platonically) sympathized with how lonely he tended to get. But she couldn’t justify his genocidal ambitions, the bad attitude his take on the hemospectrum gave him, or how the way he neglected his duties as a moirail hurt Feferi. The girl was a little naive and strange, but she was an adorable, well-meaning sweetheart and didn’t deserve the frustration or heartache dealing with Eridan’s insecurities and condescending attitude typically resulted in. On the flip side, she did sympathize with Eridan’s own heartache but disapproved of how he let it overshadow what Feferi meant to him and taint their friendship. And at first Tavros seemed like a sweetheart behind his insecurities but there was something Kagome couldn’t put her finger on that kept her from truly trusting him. It wasn’t that he could be frustrating, or how he’d friend zoned Gamzee without even acknowledging if he had ever noticed the clown’s hints. Something about Tavros worried Kagome, and she didn’t know why.

To many of her new friends’ surprise, one of the ones she got along quite well with was Vriska; almost more so than the spider-girl’s pseudo-sister and possible crush Terezi. But it was actually quite simple. Like Inuyasha, Vriska was a product of her upbringing. Not only did was Alternia a world where any amount of weakness would likely mean your death, but if she neglected feeding her guardian- giant spider- the trolls she defeated in her flarping sessions it would mean her death. In such a harsh world, the only source of warmth Vriska knew came from the few friends who could look past such things and all she had for guidance was the journal of a long-dead adult troll she idolized who might be her ancestor, which Kagome had gathered by the point she learned this meant as close as trolls got to having a biological mother or father. Deep down she was really just a big geek with even bigger dreams and ambitions, and when she let her guard down Kagome found her adorable. On top of those things, Kanaya not only trusted Vriska but had a flush crush on her and was her moirail. If that wasn’t a sign of there being more than meets the eye Kagome didn’t know what was. The jade blood might be a little naive and be hasty sometimes in forming her opinions, but Kanaya just didn’t have it in her to like someone truly bad even platonically.

Speaking of moirails, amongst the earliest lessons was a lecture by the grumpier of the two who first got her used to Alternia about troll romance, aka the quadrant system. (To this day if someone tried to confront him on how patient and understanding Karkat had tried to be he claimed that it was because he felt Kagome ‘deserved some fucking manner of reward or show of gratitude for putting up with the stupid ass juggalo to the extent that she even stays with and takes care of him like a fucking lusus, damn it!’) Nepeta’s well-meant but erratic attempts to assist Karkat in the endeavor made things confusing at first, but Kagome soon found that it was actually easy to understand. While Kagome felt kissmesisitude was a gray area for humans the quadrant system did answer a lot of questions for her. And Kagome didn’t know how to feel about that, because it put the disaster that was her love life back in Feudal Japan into startling perspective.

Funnily enough, even though if Kagome were younger she would have written the quadrant system off as trolls overcomplicating things she felt that the trolls were actually onto something. They just were so used to casual violence and out of touch with their softer emotions that they were so unsure of how to describe redrom they labeled the primary connected emotion as pity. The more she thought about it the more the quadrant system made sense, and Kagome had mixed feeling about that. It put all of the romantic drama she went through into a startlingly clear perspective, and she just didn’t know how to feel about that. Inuyasha was always flushed for Kikyou, who after being resurrected vacillated between flushed and pitch feelings for Inuyasha. Meanwhile Onigumo also had flushed feelings for Kikyou and Naraku had pitch feelings for the miko he had killed. Then there was Kagome on the sidelines, vacillating between flushed and pale feelings for Inuyasha after they started mostly getting along. This didn’t mean that she quite loved him in the sense of the human ideal, which was a mix between the two red quadrants, but that she switched between wanting to kiss him and wanting to take care of him in a borderline familial matter- comforting him when he was down, showing him nothing was wrong with the way he was aside from his temper, and keeping his temper and rash personality from getting everyone into trouble. On the other side of that metaphorical coin, when Inuyasha didn’t consider her a replacement for Kikyou he seemed to switch between barely seeing her as a friend and having the beginnings of pale feelings faster than Equius could sweat. A relationship with Inuyasha was doomed to either fail to begin or end in heartbreak, because when his head was on straight enough to see Kagome Higurashi and not Kikyou’s reincarnation their feelings just didn’t match up. Kagome would not give herself a headache by adding in how Kouga, Ayame, and both Hojos fit into things.

Kagome’s feelings about this epiphany were all over the place. On the one hand, it still hurt. She would have given up literally everything for Inuyasha at the time, but even if she’d been able to fool herself into thinking he could ever feel the same way it was doomed from the start and there would always be a seed of doubt. On the other hand, Kagome was honestly relieved that not only did it not work out but that it had never been possible for it to truly work out the way fairy tales and fantasy shoujo manga claim. Otherwise Kagome could and would easily have ruined her life over typical teenage drama driven to the extreme by magic, inter-species relations, and life-threatening situations. As previously stated, she would have been willing to give up literally everything to stay by Inuyasha’s side. Her home and family, her friends, her education and future, everything she could accomplish, everything she wanted to do, you name it Kagome would have abandoned it to stay in Feudal Japan.

Strangely enough it wasn’t the resident shipper, the quadrants expert, the surprisingly understanding and wise if you give him a chance and have his attention clown, or even the motherly member of the group who put it into words but the resident hacker. “You got the best possible deal. He thounds like an aththhole anywayth, and any other outcome would have been like thome lame preordained dethtiny crap like one of TV’s fantathy thtorieth. You detherve more than that, thomeone like you who can deal with the likes of me and KK detherveth the chance to decide their own life.”

Granted Kagome still didn’t know how one of the rare occasions more than two or three of the group got together had turned into telling stories about the crazy part of her life on Earth, but it didn’t matter; the sentiment was all that counted and she appreciated it more than she could ever put into words. 

“Thanks, Sollux. That means a lot.” Kagome told him with a smile as she hugged him.

Karkat snorted, trying and failing to hide how flustered he was to admit something so sentimental. “For once the bulge sniffer and I agree on something. It’s the fucking dumb as dirt douche canoe’s loss, and our gain.”

Kagome grinned; the grumpy guy was so adorable. “Aw, thanks Karkat-kun. I’m happy I ended up here too.”

Gamzee, who until that point had been uncharacteristically frowning in displeasure that anyone dared to even think of taking one of his favorite people for granted, approached the three, grinning as he pulled Kagome into a bear hug, “Don’t you all up and forget it, Kagsis, you’re our motherfucking miracle now and nothing can fucking change that.”

Kagome wrapped her arms around him, returning the embrace. “Aw, I promise, Gamzee. You’re all really sweet, you know? I doubt I’ve ever felt this special~”

Gamzee’s smile widened into a grin as he tightened the hug. Normally most trolls couldn’t stand anything so mushy, but even Vriska was smiling. This was a momentous occasion for the group, as even though Kagome had never hidden anything from them about her life on her home planet she didn’t like talking about her relationships she’d had, even the platonic ones. The thoughts of the loved ones she doubted she’d ever see again just depressed her and the last thing she wanted was to worry her friends. That she’d talked so much so openly of her own accord (with a little prodding) was a big step. 

Back then, even Kagome, Sollux, Feferi, and Aradia had no idea just how important the group of thirteen’s bond as friends would be. But then Aradia and Sollux created what was supposed to be a videogame using information they had found in some ruins. As it turned out, the game was a signal to meteors destined to either destroy worlds or simply wipe out the life currently occupying said worlds. The game was also the key to not just survival but creating a whole new universe. (Or that was what was proclaimed; Kagome doubted it was quite like that after she found out the empress’ effect on the human players’ pasts.) Right at the end everything went wrong because an alternate version of Karkat’s friend Jack Noir went on a rampage and in the process got his hands on an insane amount of power. And it turned out the universe they created, the one with the world the session the alternate Jack came from, was the very same Earth Kagome came from. Now they were on their way to a revamped version of the Earth session, complete with an alternate Earth to match. How that would work with the human players Kagome wasn’t certain, but it was bound to be interesting.

==> Think about your specific circumstances amidst the chaos and drama

Things went very crazy very quickly. Too quickly, unfortunately, for Kagome to have the ability to do more than be Karkat’s sole source of sort of support as things were falling about right when the kids were finally pulling off the plan that Jade, the girl with the omnipotent dog, had crafted with Karkat’s help. Eridan’s loss of hope had driven him over the edge and he chose to embody the meaning of his game title in the worst way possible, death and various other hurts left in his wake. Kanaya killed him in retaliation after proving to not be as dead as she was thought to be. Meanwhile Gamzee going sober proved to not be as good as expected or hoped; a possessed puppet and one or two other influences that were never identified drove the already unstable and confused troll crazy and he went on a murderous rampage. At the same time Vriska killed Tavros in self defense when he finally got fed up with her manipulations and didn’t agree with her plans. Soon after Terezi killed her when she chose an extreme method of keeping Vriska from dooming those that were left.

After all of that, everyone left gathered on the roof where Terezi and Vriska had that one last confrontation. For a few suspenseful, nerve wracking moment Kagome worried that a five-way strife would commence in one final showdown to reign in Gamzee’s rampage. (And maybe Kanaya had newfound bloodlust to deal with? Kagome would never be certain but her rage at Eridan had a lasting worrisome effect on the girl’s demeanor.) However Karkat, proving to be a more effective leader than most of their friends would ever give him credit for and an even better friend, stopped Terezi, Kanaya, and Sollux from being hasty and rushing into a fight. Karkat rushed at Gamzee... and calmed him with a shoosh papping. This gave Kagome the chance to find a strange puppet with a really creepy and worrisome aura. Gathering what was left of the original form of her powers, Kagome destroyed the thing and forced whatever other foreign influences may have been related from Gamzee while she was at it. 

Outside of the realm of the Game, that would have been the end- or at least the beginning of it. But normal life and death rules, and indeed many other protocols and rules, did not apply to Sgrub / Sburb. Instead of completely sacrificing herself- for even detached from her and diminished the spiritual powers that got her mistaken for a miko despite her obvious lack of training back in Feudal Japan- Kagome woke up in the dream bubbles. After a heart wrenching replay of one of her more bittersweet memories Kagome’s bubble connected to another and after stumbling into a half dead Sollux and a now alive godtier Aradia she learned that she was half dead like Sollux. But whether because she never had a dream self or by some other design Kagome now abided by the irksome rules that had both fascinated and frustrated the trolls when Prospit and Derse became common knowledge. When asleep the version of Kagome residing in the bubbles would be awake and active. When awake Kagome’s self residing in the bubbles would sleep while she was up and about on the meteor. Should one be killed the other either would become fully alive or would become a ghost and therefore a traditional, more permanent habitant of the bubbles. No one was quite certain which possibility was the case. Of course if it was the former and the bubble-self got killed first it would become a full ghost and disconnect from her main body. It was interesting, if confusing.

Kagome never expected anything of much importance to happen in the bubbles. Mostly just tidbits about alternate timelines that either were depressing or too little, too late. At first she just tried to use Aradia’s lessons on how dream bubbles work to attempt to locate the lusii and guardians. If there was any semblance of a chance, Kagome wanted to provide an option for reunion or at least closure. Then, she met them. Pre-scratch versions of her friends’ ancestors, or to use the term one of them coined to better describe how the scratch complicated the relationship by making the pre scratch versions of Karkat and his friends the ancestors of the beings who were her friends’ ancestors post scrach. If there was a blessing it was that while more confusing than how the humans’ families changed across the scratch it was easier to interact without any awkwardness because neither group had ever actually met their side of the scratch’s version of the other group. In fact they didn’t even really know much of anything about them. Just some myths and tidbits from the journal of Vriska’s ancestor about how the dancestors’ lives went post scratch.

Kagome was only too happy to try to befriend them. After all despite any negative opinions she’d had of them she did manage to befriend all twelve beta trolls. ‘Try’, however, was the keyword in some cases. Damara, while happy to have someone besides Rufio who understood what she said- and what’s more, understood why she was holding a grudge, was too hurt and cynical, too warped by the missing member of the alpha trolls’ group’s attempt at ‘helping’ for Kagome to get along well. Rufio was a nice guy, and Kagome liked being able to use her native language, but their friendship soured the moment he mentioned what had happened with his ex matesprit Damara and his current matesprit Horus. Cronus was simply horrible. He wasn’t genocidal like Eridan but he had worse versions of all the other reasons Eridan had trouble even keeping friends. Kagome tried hard to keep her temper in line, though, because despite the doubts caused by his condescending hubris when he let his guard down for real the unbearable sea dweller genuinely seemed uncomfortable in his own skin. Aranea started out seeming much nicer than Vriska, but after a while Kagome figured out that her dissatisfaction with herself and admiration of her post scratch incarnation was slowly warping her in a way that Kagome prefer the Zahaks with their creepy fetishes and the Amporas with their off putting attitudes and inability to properly handle rejection. (It was far from obvious and unless someone finally caught and handled it would likely result in disaster or tragedy. Or both.)

Things were better with the others. Kurloz and Meulin were very interesting. They were both very excited that Kagome had picked up a few of the basics of American Sign Language during a vacation she’d had as a child and was willing and eager to learn what she needed to be able to talk to them. Meulin was genuinely a delight, if loud due to her deafness and overly excitable. Kurloz, while a little off in some ways and attached to the worrisome aspects of the trolls’ juggalo religion, was a nice, goofy guy who turned out to be really sweet and protective once he came to genuinely came to care about someone. Mainly, though, he just delighted in having someone with no intentions of participating in his religion respect his faith and be interested in learning enough to make sure she didn’t offend him. The skeleton-mime hybrid looking troll, in turn, was very interested in her family heritage as the keepers of a Shinto shrine even despite learning that if anyone in her family had ever been actually priets or priestesses/mikos it had been long before her great grandparents’ time. Mituna Captor was hard to get close to due to his disability but once Kagome managed it she felt it was worth it. True, he had the foulest mouth she’d ever come across- a miracle coming from a friend of Karkat Vantas and Gamzee Makara, was a pervert far worse than Miroku, and had the most unfortunate mix between missing the metaphorical filter that kept people from saying something offensive or mean and being unable to make what he wanted to say come out properly. On top of that something had messed up his memories, his sense of balance or his depth perception- maybe both- and short circuited his psionics. But as long as he was calm or happy he was a great guy in Kagome’s opinion. His matesprit Latula, however, rubbed Kagome the wrong way despite being a very nice girl because she was fake. Terezi’s dancestor desperately wanted to be seen as cool, or rather radical, and spent nearly all of her time going out of her way to put up a front that made her seem that way. Mituna had enough on his hands with trying to keep his problems from being limitations and Kagome felt it was unfair to him that the person he loved cared more about what others thought about her than about what made her happy. Porrim was a flirt in a manner that reminded Kagome of a successful version of Miroku’s antics but she was a real delight. She was just as nice and nurturing as Kanaya yet more relaxed and down to Earth. It gave Kagome hope that the other rainbow drinker would eventually learn to calm down enough to properly enjoy having fun or relaxing. They all certainly made time in the dream bubbles more fun. The best way to briefly describe Kankri was that he was nothing like Karkat. Some of the differences should have been refreshing, but the older Vantas had a nasty habit of complicating or over complicating just about everything.

Eventually the missing member of that group, Meenah Peixes, did in fact return. More like show up, but time in relation to dream bubbles was too complicated to consider much. Kagome hadn’t known what to expect but Meenah had managed to exceed expectations in a decently high number of the ways that mattered. Meenah was rash, violent, close to apathetic, and seemingly amoral. But she genuinely cared for her friends and their well being, and when it came to important things she usually had good intentions regardless of her questionable methods. She did her best to be understanding with Mituna, even, and usually tried to find ways of dealing with or avoiding Kankri that wouldn’t provoke or upset him.

Kankri... was something, to say the least. He was actually the last troll Kagome met. He was nothing like Karkat or even the stories of the Signless, as his post-scratch incarnation tended to be called. He could talk for an hour or more about social justice issues, privileges, and triggers while constantly ending up on tangents. He explained things with more details and technical terminology than necessary. It was obvious that Kankri only wanted to be helpful to and teach others, but constantly made back handed comments amidst his lectures that however unintentionally they might be insulted the very person or group of people he was trying to defend. It was impossible to tell if the candy-red blooded troll really thought the way people tended to take those insulting back-handed comments or if he was genuinely unaware of how he came across. He was condescending, and either tried to hide that he felt superior or unaware that he came across that way. Kankri even had modestly issues- if not for Porrim, Kagome heard that he’d go around in nothing but a pair of pants that go far higher up his torso than should even be possible. Maybe some shoes too, Kagome didn’t know. Karkat, understandably, couldn’t stand Kankri. But Kagome came to notice that Kankri was lonely and genuinely meant well. Even if his opinion not-quite-so-secretly resembled Karkat’s Kankri genuinely meant well, wanted to change things for the better or keep things from going badly. But because of those things and how much he talked when he went into lecture mode even Kankri’s closest friends had trouble tolerating him. Kagome herself tried to give him a chance, but at first listening to him just made her think that Eridan and Inuyasha had better attitudes, because despite their flaws they truly cared for Kikyou and Feferi respectively. The arguments Kagome got into with Kankri early on were both the calmest and the worst she had ever had. Little did she expect at the time that she would have a change of heart. But at the same time, she’d always been concerned with the lonely expression he wore when alone and not necessarily aware others could see him.

It started, as one might expect, with one of Kankri’s lectures. Cronus had been picking on Mituna yet again. Kagome was starting to subtly get Mituna out of Cronus’ death grip when the red blooded troll had stepped in. At first it was typical, nothing noteworthy. He defended Mituna and scolded Cronus over his behavior, only to back handedly insult Mituna in the same breath by implying being disabled was shameful or that he thought the former psionic was faking. But then Cronus, noticing Kagome, had asked her some interesting questions about humans. The sea dweller had admitted, seeming shy and sheepish, that he felt uncomfortable in his own skin. That he felt he could connect to the whole new species Kagome was part of more easily than he ever had his fellow trolls. To start with Kagome was skeptical, he had sounded arrogant as ever and held the same tone he used when pretending to be down-to-earth in an attempt to make the land dwelling trolls feel more comfortable around him and make them trust him. Before Kagome could reply, or even answer some of his questions, Kankri chimed in. He genuinely defended and supported the problems Cronus was talking about, yet was slightly sarcastic and implied he didn’t believe that the other male actually thought he was really a human. Cronus just gave a slightly shy and sad smile, thanking Kankri for being a good friend and supportive. Once Cronus left with a couple of questions answered and a promise to have a proper talk later if he could prove he was serious and not just considering it as if it were a fad that explained things about himself he’d found confusing, Kagome rounded on Kankri.

“What was that?” Kagome demanded, “No one deserves to feel the way he probably will if he ever realizes you were being partially sarcastic!”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand the issue.” Kankri replied, “Also, could you please tag your privileges and triggers?”

“Fine then! Disclaimer: warning: what follows may include triggering language or abuse of privileges.” Kagome said, “Answer me this, Kankri Vantas. Do you truly care about others or are you just being selfish? You defend people one minute then in the next breath you turn on them, either insulting them or implying you don’t actually care. You talk about how you want justice and equal treatment, yet you speak in favor of the highbloods oppressing others for invalid reasons and have all but outright stated that you don’t believe women being free to live life as they choose is important, or that the limitations on their ability to do so are a problem. Promoting justice doesn’t mean defending some oppressed or outright abused group of individuals and either insulting them or talking like they’re the problem in the same breath. You’re going to hurt the people who matter most to you someday if this keeps up. So answer me: do you really care?”

Kankri didn’t react the way Kagome had begun to learn he normally would. Instead his eyes shifted in confusion and embarrassment before settling for looking at the ground for a moment. It took him time to gather his thoughts together enough to form a response. And when he did, instead of too many words he used almost too few.

“That’s not... I only wanted my friends to be as informed as possible, from both perspectives of the issue at hand....” he finally answered, speaking so softly it was almost a whisper, “I did realize my friends found my discourses displeasing at times... but I never... They don’t know how it feels, being a mutant. Never accepted, being thrown into the culling program the moment one is ousted by either their blood or their eye color, growing up on the streets when unnoticed, uncertainty as to whether Her Glorious Benevolence’ redefinition of culling was clumsy, misguided kindness or unwittingly instigating situations that could easily lead to pale molestation...”

Kagome withheld a sigh and shook her head, unable to bring herself to react. “They wouldn’t be your friends, you know, if your blood really made such a big difference, trust me. Do you really think the likes of a Zahak or Ampora would treat you the way they do if they found you an enemy or disgusting?”

“I find it very triggering for you to speak as if you know what you’re talking about.” Kankri muttered almost petulantly.

Kagome just gave him a look filled with an age-defying wisdom and sorrow that left Kankri reeling. “It can be just as triggering to assume the person you’re talking to doesn’t have knowledge of the subject before they’ve said their piece, you know. Don’t be so quick to assume Karkat is my only experience with extreme cases of exclusion and outcasts. Even Signless was lucky, you know, compared to some of my friends from Earth.”

“Whatever do you mean?” Kankri asked.

Kagome let out the sigh this time. 

“My childhood home held a portal that led five hundred years, or roughly two hundred twenty seven sweeps in troll terms, into the past. Back then Earth was also inhabited by creatures my home country call youkai. The first friend I made, Inuyasha, along with two other friends I would make much later on were neither human nor youkai, but rather half human and half youkai.” she explained, “Instead of dwelling on the past and hindering your own attempts to change things for the better you need to count your blessings and take time every now and then to think about what you have in your life or afterlife that’s good, that makes continuing on worth living. That was Inuyasha’s greatest fault, no matter how well behaved or content he was never once did he stop dwelling on what he wished he was or how rough he had it growing up. Inuyasha was obsessed with growing stronger, and wanted to be a full youkai more than he even wanted a second chance to be happy with his former lover.”

“It’s not as if change is easy, especially after so long.” Kankri said.

“No one no matter how much they complain is asking you to. Even Karkat doesn’t hold your unpleasant side against you, he just can’t stand that you come across worse than him because you try to hide said unpleasant side in his eyes.” Kagome countered, “Trust me that’s a big deal, he’ll be the first to insult himself or list and exaggerate his faults. But I can tell you how you could get your friends to listen.”

He looked up at her hopefully, his own pale eyes sparkling as they met her gaze head on. “I would like that very much.”

“I’ve checked your blog for the subjects I was more interested in, and behind the tags, rants about privilege, and overload of occasionally confusing or senseless technical and academic terms the base substance of the message you try to get across is a good one, or off to a decent start.” Kagome began, “You need to think about how other people take what you say or how you would react if someone else said something that meant the same thing before you say or post it. Regardless of trigger and privilege tags feelings matter and must be considered if you care about your audience or conversation partner. In real life you can’t just spout off the entire discourse or lecture, you’re trying to have a conversation not give a speech. The entire lecture will be very out of place outside of an academic or protest setting and should be saved for school-feeding type educational purposes, occasions recognized as formal meetings, or rallies. During proper conversations you can’t talk that much. The other person won’t have a chance to reply and the sheer amount of words you’re saying will make their attention waver, therefore the message will be lost.”

“What are you saying?” Kankri asked, unsure what she meant.

“In other words to be blunt you talk to much, people’s attention can only stretch so far before they lose the ability to focus on what they’re trying to pay attention to.” Kagome rephrased in an attempt to take her own advice, “You need to use as few words as possible to get your point across, trust they’ll ask you to elaborate or clarify if they want to know more or are confused, and consider how they’ll take what you’re going to say before you say it.”

Kankri sighed. “You have my gratitude for the advice and I will do my best to take it into consideration in the future. I suppose I have forgotten to consider my own educational privilege in my more extensive level of school feeding.”

Kagome let out a bemused chuckle. “I might attract the problematic boys like honey as far as friends my age go but at least you’re reasonable and willing to listen. I’m not asking you to change, though, okay? You wouldn’t be my friend if I wanted you to change who you are as a person, I just want to see you closer to and more considerate of the others.”

Suddenly instead of simply looking at her Kankri looked Kagome right in the eye, clearly shocked. Even though Kagome had seen plenty of other upset or joyful expressions there was something about the sheer amount of loneliness mixed with the surprise and joy that it was almost heartbreaking. Briefly Kagome wondered not for the first time or the last if friendship was more different for trolls than she had seen.

“You.... actually mean it, don’t you?” Kankri asked, half rhetorically, “No one has ever told me something like they liked me the way I was and wouldn’t change me.”

Kagome smiled gently. “I might disagree with some of your opinions and your usual approach, but what set of friends doesn’t have their disagreements? A founder of the country the human players are from summed up the take on it I’m trying to tell you the best- ‘I do not agree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it.’ In the end what matters is cherishing your bond with the people you care about, and I intend to do that with everything I have.”

At her words Kankri gave an uncertain smile, somewhat shaky from disuse. Kagome abruptly realized it wasn’t just he was too busy lecturing or getting offended to smile. In all likelihood he probably didn’t often even have a reason to try to smile in the first place. Her heart went out to him, and in that moment one of Kagome’s dearest desires was to see him prove to even just one person that he cared because he cherished them or for someone to show him that despite how frustrating or disagreeable he could be they still cared about him. Later, Kagome would realize that that was the start of everything.

It was really unexpected when said realization happened. Kagome was just wandering the dream bubbles, searching for something to occupy her time until she woke up on the meteor. At first she was enjoying a blessedly calm chat with Meulin. When you proved you were actually listening to her, it proved to not just be possible but even easy to convince the older Leijon to make use of her admittedly (and understandably) limited volume control. She helped Kagome understand the emotional side of the quadrant system in a manner Karkat had difficulty getting across because of his social situation caused by his blood making him an outcast amongst his own kind combining with his inexperience and the typical limited understanding of emotions that usually accompanied youth. Then, both heard Aranea’s voice and the familiar sound of Mituna freaking out due to anger, confusion, or frustration at his inability to communicate. (Sometimes more than one of them at once.) Exchanging a glance, both girls immediately went to investigate. Aranea was standing there with her classic ‘lecture’ pose while Mituna and Kurloz were sitting on the ground; the latter had his arms around the former psionic to keep him from doing something stupid or accidentally hurting himself in his upset state. However, Kurloz looked angry and the longer the blue blooded troll talked the more likely it seemed that he would hurt her in a fit of rage. (Or use his chuckle voodoos on her, not that Kagome was necessarily aware.) Once Kagome could hear them she understood perfectly. Aranea was bashing Kurloz’ religion, the pair’s moirailleigance, and saying some highly insensitive things about Mituna’s accident and mental state.

“Hey! Lay off, will you?! I’ve never seen or heard of either of them doing anything to warrant you treating them that way!” Kagome defended.

“Why are you defending them? I’m not doing anything that would warrant your current behavior.” Aranea protested.

Kagome scowled. “You’re kidding right? Do you have no idea about the- pardon my language- pure and utter bullshit you’re fucking spouting?!”

“What are you talking about?” Aranea asked.

“First, you have no right to insult someone’s religion just because you disagree with or don’t understand it. Few things are more callous.” Kagome started, “Second, you aren’t quadranted with them or one of their quadrant mates, their moirailleigance is none of your concern. Therefore you have absolutely no right to question it or poke your nose into their business. But most importantly, as far as I can see, is how you’re being a bad friend and an ingrate! You’re the one who told me the basics of your group’s circumstances and role in things. I don’t know the full story, I don’t think anyone who isn’t one of these two boys ever will, but from what I hear all eleven of you owe Mituna a huge debt. Whatever happened, it left his psionics inaccessible and screwed up his coordination and his control over what he says. Sometimes even his memories get... glitchy, for lack of a better term. Has it never occurred to you or any of the others that if something was so powerful getting rid of it left him like that then if it wasn’t for what Mituna did and anything Kurloz may have done to help him or keep him alive there is almost no chance the twelve of you would have survived long enough to even discover what the scratch is let alone actually put it in motion?”

Meulin tried to interject or give input now and then and continued to throughout the conversation but was having trouble keeping up due to her reliance on reading lips. To Kagome’s right the boys were somewhere between awed and in shock. Kurloz was looking at the human girl calculatingly, an impressed and grateful glimmer in his eyes. During the early stages of the argument Mituna had enough metaphorical breathing room to calm down but had continued to fuss and mutter curses under his breath. But now he was blushing as he stared at Kagome caught between being too surprised to feel anything and overwhelming joy that someone wasn’t just not writing him off but actually understood. It was so, so hard being so damaged from injuries that should only have been physical that you were trapped in your own head. Much harder than growing up or dealing with quadrant or hemospectrum based drama, in fact, and no one understood. But this girl that wasn’t even a troll did, or at least tried to. Just maybe, if Mituna didn’t retain feelings for his childhood matesprit and the radical girl herself wasn’t so shy and scared of confronting how their relationship had changed he could fall for her. But Mituna couldn’t imagine a life or afterlife away from Latula’s side so long as she was willing to deal with him. And Kagome often fought to hide a wince eyes when someone broached the topic of her empty flushed quadrant, most of them at least had a guess at the strange human having had a really bad experience in the past with a matesprit or flush crush. So Mituna just watched the drama unfold hating the incoherency of his speech more than ever. 

Aranea on the other hand frowned. 

“I suppose you could be on to something regarding Mituna’s accident. But let’s not get into that.” Aranea wrote off, “Last time I checked you haven’t converted so why would anything I say about that silly clown religion matter to you?”

“Excuse me, I don’t have to practice a religion to respect it, you see there’s this little thing called common decency, and I would imagine that this is one of the few areas where trolls’ and humans’ take on the concept match.” Kagome insisted, “Besides as someone who spent almost half of her childhood living on a shrine with a grandfather who was the shrine’s caretaker and loved filling in for the minor duties and rituals the local priest would have taken care of if he hadn’t opted to live on a bigger shrine your attitude towards your own friend makes it my problem. Like myths and legends most religions involving holy figures or deities generally have a grain of truth hidden in them. My take on it doesn’t matter, I still respect Kurloz’ ability to have so much faith in something without letting it completely override the other things that matter to him and regardless of anything else I find a deep appreciation for how Beforan and Alternian juggalos didn’t let themselves become divided over disagreements regarding their beliefs and methods of worship the way nearly every major religion on Earth did.”

“I don’t understand much of what you mean since I don’t know much about humans or their religion but since you sound emotionally invested I’ll drop it and give you the benefit of the doubt.” Aranea replied, “On the other hand you only have two out of three, you’re meddling too since their quadrants wouldn’t be any of your concern either.”

“Excuse me, but I’m protecting my friends’ feelings from being invalidated.” Kagome snapped, “Regardless of what anyone thinks this is a relationship that should be left alone. It isn’t just about Mituna’s tentative self control; those two balance each other and genuinely care for each other which is the only thing that matters. Isn’t that what moirailleigance essentially amounts to anyway? Looking out for each other and balancing each other out in ways a matesprit or lusus might not necessarily be able to with how troll society is?”

“Oh and you’re such an expert on relationships.” Aranea said sarcastically, “Please spare me. Humans don’t even have quadrants, they have such a lack of understanding regarding them it’s widely speculated they’re unable to have a relationship that isn’t matespritship and you’ve never shown any sign of ever being willing to indulge in one. Or even ever having someone be interested in you.”

Kagome flinched, unsure of how to make a comeback. She wasn’t even sure she could. As she’d heard, Kankri had said some pretty callous things regarding his friends’ quadrants before; even things that were either flat out insulting or just plain creepy. But where his comments were maddening, embarrassing, stung slightly, or made you feel ashamed Aranea’s comment about Kagome’s wreck of a love life hurt. Finally Kagome did something she hadn’t done in a long time; she flat out lost her temper and started yelling.

“What the hell would you know?!” Kagome snapped, her head down so her bangs hid her eyes, “The only one I’ve told the slightest thing about my past to in your group is the one who can’t get anyone to listen or get straight to the point. What right do you have to judge me?! What does the lack of romance in my life have to do with defending people I hope are my friends?! Don’t be such a coward, at least when Vriska gets into an argument or full out verbal fight she has the decency to stick to things that are relevant when she brings up the past!”

“Aren’t I only being logical? You’re the one who stepped into something that didn’t involve you; you shouldn’t meddle if you can’t take something small like this.” Aranea retorted.

Seeing things were getting worse fast and recognizing the signs of an oncoming flashback that would incite a panic attack if Kagome ever broke or gave up from countless sweeps of dealing with his own fits Mituna tried to calm things before they got any worse. “Leibe Kagme the fuck alone you dsldflj she’s just fdljlf-”

At the same time Kurloz held a finger to Mituna’s lips to shush him and help him calm down before he had a fit someone else stepped in, a certain trigger-happy troll. “Excuse me Aranea but it seems you are being highly triggering. Before I list the triggers and begin our conversation, I must add a comment that it was incredibly rude and thoughtless to antagonize someone who did nothing but attempt to mediate and defuse a triggering situation.”

What followed was one of Kankri’s typical lectures for the most part, barring a few key differences. First off it was a three-tiered lecture covering three different topics in one discourse, normally it would be three discourses in one sitting but this time he considered them interrelated enough to the matter at hand to tie in to each other within a single lecture. Second, the miracle of the lecture containing one eighth less content compared what one would normally expect of what Kankri usually passed off as conversation. Last but not least, for the very first time it was clear that his remarks that tended to either be callous or back-handedly insult weren’t actually intended in a hurtful or offensive manner. In fact for the first part of the lecture one portion included what amounted to inadvertently admitting that although he found Mituna annoying Kankri still felt that Aranea was the one in the wrong. Another amounted to claiming that it was bad to insult someone’s religion no matter what you thought of it. But most importantly was the portion that amounted to the least creepy or hurtful lecture regarding quadrants and romance that had ever come out of Kankri’s mouth. It might have been that Kagome’s own situation reminded Kankri of the apparent disaster with Latula that led him to turn his back on quadrants, or at least the concupiscent ones. It could have been that he was genuinely attempting to be more careful with what he said. Kagome wasn’t sure, and if the initial impression Kankri gave of not actually caring was the right one after all she suddenly felt that she didn’t necessarily want to know. 

Soon done with Aranea, Kankri disregarded lecturing Mituna and Kurloz regarding public displays in favor of leading Kagome away, ranting about how he felt she should have handled the situation and that while her intentions and message were good her phrasing and blunt manner was perhaps a little triggering. Before long Kagome found herself sat down in his hive (the memory of it, really) with a warm beverage being gently placed on the kitchen counter in front of her. 

“Supposing the flavor or warmth isn’t unpleasant or triggering for you, this should help.” Kankri said, “While it’s not particularly chilly the situation still seems to call for a warm beverage.”

She smiled briefly at him as she took a sip. “Thank you, Kankri. This is wonderful.”

“I do not mean to pry and disrespect your privacy privilege or trigger you with bad memories, especially as you were kind enough to attempt to assist me and improve my verbal discourses...” Kankri began, “But does what you told me before, about the inhuman companion you had back on Earth with a similar situation to one of my blood caste, have something to do with your peculiar reaction to Aranea’s thoughtless reaction to your words? I understand it can be trying for many to hear out the full entirety of the things I have to say, but I am perfectly capable of listening and keeping secrets.”

Kagome looked into her mug, thinking it over. 

“That...” Kagome sighed, then began to explain things to him, “It’s not like it’s a secret to people I have reason to think will believe me, so I don’t see why not. Inuyasha, the boy I told you about? He had so many volatile relationships whether they were platonic or resembled black romance it’s amazing he survived without one of our friends playing the part of the human equivalent of a moirail. When I wasn’t busy acting like a mix between a lusus and an auspistice, even our relationship was like that. Nonetheless, I cared for him....”

Kankri stayed silent the whole time Kagome explained her old relationship drama, and didn’t speak up until the end. What he did say Kagome found incredibly touching.

“I won’t trouble you with things you may have already heard regarding my own chaotic tale of unrequited love, but I know how you feel.” Kankri admitted after a moment, “I will say however that you appear better off and it is his loss.”

“Thank you for that, it means a lot.” Kagome said, “I miss my friends and family back on Earth, But this is the first time in a long time that someone about my age has focused on making me feel better when I was upset and they actually did something about it. You’re a good friend, Kankri.”

Kankri blushed, and the bright shade of the Vantas’ blood had never been more obvious than right then when his flushed cheeks were so vividly colored that they almost looked neon. “... Any time. After all placating and comforting might be best left to one’s moirail but being there for one another is part of what friends are for, correct?”

She smiled into her mug as she took another sip, hiding a silent giggle. ‘It turns out that Kankri is just as good at quelling the worst of my temper and cheering me up as he needs someone to keep him from causing chaos or irreparable damage with the thoughtless aspects of his lectures. Who would have thought?’

Just when she had that thought Kagome had to get up and help Kankri with the snack he was preparing before he made a mess. In that moment was when Kagome realized it. Kankri needed someone to teach him tact and look after him. She wanted to be that someone to take care of him and keep him in line. And she wanted him to be the one to calm her down, to be the one to hold her and her shoulder to lean on. Yet she didn’t want to kiss him. Kagome Higurashi, a human and therefore not someone a troll would expect to even be capable of non-flushed romantic feelings, was pale for Kankri Vantas- a celibate. She wanted to face palm.

‘Why always me?’ she complained silently to herself.

==> Pursue the object of your affections.

Kagome considered pursuing him. Maybe find a way to ease Kankri into being open to being moirails, since he gave the impression of intending to avoid romance in all four quadrants and not just practice abstinence. Maybe one day she could talk the easily bothered troll into a proper conversation and comparison of different types of sexuality and how it affected romance instead of simply delivering a discourse on his take on the quadrant system in order to find out for herself instead of simply wondering. Kagome quickly decided against that idea. Kankri may have had the worst case of passive aggression she had ever seen and an incredibly painful level of obliviousness to the effect what he said had on others and had a nasty habit of leaping to conclusions based off of what he had observed of those he interacted with and people he felt were like them but he was far from stupid. Flirting and actions humans considered perfectly natural with all people they cared for but needed to avoid around trolls so they wouldn’t take things the wrong way were out of the question. No, Kagome would confess when- or if- she ever felt like it wouldn’t be the worst mistake of her life. Instead, she would focus on their friendship; she had only known the Alpha trolls for a few months.

As it turned out that was easier said that done. And not just because sometimes when he was particularly well behaved and successful at being thoughtful he could unwittingly be so sweet and charming it was no wonder Latula almost wound up with him. (If Kagome understood Kankri right, Latula didn’t like to talk about that stage of their friendship.) As it turned out, when they weren’t busy being engulfed in their own drama and quadrants the pre-scratch trolls were much less blind to their friends’ interactions and relationships than the Beta trolls. (Granted, said trolls were basically still children when the game started but still.) And Kagome wasn’t any more subtle to observers with the pale quadrant than with traditional human romance, or rather the flushed quadrant.

“Gill ya waxing pale for that trigger happy nerd aren’t you?” Meenah accused when she’d stumbled across the former heiress watching Kankri annoy Karkat with the sheer volume and hypocrisy of his words and there was a slight pause because Kankri had been interrupted by one of their friends and it devolved into an argument with Karkat when he defended the unwitting offender.

Kagome only partially succeeded in keeping down her blush. “Wha- how....”

“Gill, ya shorely realize that you’re glubbing obvious to anenomebody that isn’t him?” Meenah pointed out, “Ya even succeeded in getting him to calm his rumble spheres.”

Kagome sighed. “I just... he seems to mean well, you know? He even seems to have a good point considering both for what I got to glimpse of Alternia and my knowledge of the Earth equivalents of the subjects. He’s just... clumsy, I think. Even when it’s pointed out he has trouble understanding how he was being insulting or hurtful.”

“Knowing that doesn’t make the buoy any easier to be around, gill.” Meenah commented.

“I know, I know. At first I didn’t think any better of him than the rest of his friends or Karkat.” Kagome replied, “But when he calmed down he... seemed so lonely; I couldn’t stand it. Did you know, when you try to point out the problems with his lectures when you can actually get him to be quiet long enough to listen without getting angry and make sure he knows you’re trying to help, he’s actually grateful for the assistance in improving his lectures? Kankri has to be reminded constantly but he has been trying to be more mindful of how what he says affect others’ feelings.”

Meenah whistled. “Whoa, you got it bad gill. You know, the last lecture I paid the slightest amount of attention to did seem a little shorter.”

Porrim never implicitly said anything or talked to Kagome about her blossoming feelings. But she did give off the impression of silent support instead of the incredulous and excited reaction of a sibling or the concerned and incensed reaction of someone who saw you as a friendly rival. (The latter disproving many trolls’ suspicion that she was waxing pale for him, which Kagome retorted with a ‘study human households containing more than one child and the friendly but more volatile mother/son relationships among humans and then talk to me.’) She also would wink at Kagome and say teasing or pointed remarks sometimes. Cronus, surprisingly, was the next to directly confront her about her feelings. When his mind wasn’t in the gutter and he took a break from his usual condescending-asshole attitude, he was a relatively decent friend.

“If the twvo a you evwen get anywvhere do you think you can actually handle Chief?” Cronus asked, “Most a the time he means well but he’s a motor-mouth wvith a wvacky brain to mouth filter.”

“Does it matter? I’m content with what we have; the platonic versions of those things that are just part-and-parcel with friendship are enough.” Kagome answered, “As long as I can spend what time we have at his side and be around long enough to see him start to be happy there’s nothing at all wrong with the friend zone.”

“Damn Kankri’s a lucky guy.” Cronus remarked, “Don’t wvrite this off as unrequited just yet and if ya change your mind tread carefully. Even Kankri and Latula themselves make light of the disaster that wvas their almost romance.”

Out of everyone else who actually acknowledged and confronted Kagome on her feelings, it was Mituna that brought up the best point and gave the best advice. “You should confess or at least make a move, Kagome. What ifth are more haunting than heartbreak, I’d know. I’ve had my share of both and you’re the latht perthon that detherveth that. Kankri can be an asshole, but he’th never been cruel, and even if he’th difficult or giveth you a hard time everything will be tho worth it if it goeth well.”

Kagome had smiled at him, and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, Mituna. You’re right. If Latula ever loses sight of how lucky she is and it wouldn’t infringe on your moirailleigance with Kurloz look me up if you want someone to talk to or even just a platonic cuddle buddy, you’re like the quirky big brother I never had.”

Mituna laughed and hugged her. “That’th really cool of you, but you’re too thexy to be my thister. I’ll be happy to thteal you if Kankri thtepth out of line, though. I doubt Kurloz would mind sharing.”

Kagome giggled. “What, you mean doubling up your pale quadrant? I’ll never know how you Captor boys can escalate fondness for a number into a full on fetish.”

Mituna grinned. “You know all the bitches want a piece of thith, don’t even try to deny it.”

“Whatever you say, Mituna.” Kagome laughed.

==> Take Mituna’s advice

Mituna had a very good point, one he hinted was based off of personal experience which Kagome was sure made for a story she wished she could hear one day at that if it wasn’t too personal. But like many other things that sounded simple confessing was only easy in principle. Actually doing it was much harder than something like that had any right to be. The problem wasn’t Kagome’s fear of being hurt again; Karkat, Gamzee, and Mituna were all great for that. Rather, her difficulty lied in the identity of the holder of her heart. Kankri wasn’t the sort hinting or simple gestures of affection would work right on if he even understood it as anything beyond a gesture of friendship or a possible trigger. 

That left only one option, an upfront confession. Maybe in other situations Kagome would be afraid of bearing what was in her heart like that but no matter how careless or passive aggressive Kankri could be she had faith that he would never be intentionally cruel or callous when he understood that someone had genuine feelings for him. Unfortunately for Kagome, her problem was getting a chance to make herself clear enough that he understood.

When she approached him others were nearby but not so close to him that they didn’t have something resembling privacy. “Kankri, could I please talk to you?”

Kankri looked up from a book he was reading. “Of course, Kagome. I’m not preoccupied by anything of importance. What is it?”

Kagome took a deep breath. 

“I know that you took a vow of celibacy. I know many of you have doubts that humans have the capacity for quadrants rather than a single type of romance. But your vow has nothing to do with this, and monogamy is a societal construct so please, please hear me out. At first, I wrote you off as a passive aggressive jerk that couldn’t be honest about his opinions and feelings.” she started, “But the more I learned about you the more I saw that that wasn’t the case, and you didn’t even realize how you sounded. When I saw your clumsy passion and how much you actually do want to help when it truly matters... It’s hard to describe. I’ve come to care about you deeply. I want to be there for you, maybe see if one day you’d be willing to hold me... Kankri Vantas, I’m really, truly p-”

“I’m sorry to risk triggering you by interrupting but please stop there.” Kankri said, holding up his hand, “As you said, you are aware of my vows and I cannot bring myself to break them. I value your friendship, but your disregard could be viewed as an abuse of privilege. I must ask you to leave off there and kindly drop the subject.”

Kagome’s eyes stung from keeping her tears to a minimum that she hoped was unnoticeable; she turned and all but ran off, the tears finally falling free as she had brushed pass the approaching Rufio. “I- I see... Of, of course. Silly of me. S-sumimasen...”

“Doll? Why do I smell saltwater on you? Are you crying?” Rufio frowned at Kagome’s state and unusual behavior then turned around to run after her to make sure she was alright.

“I- I do believe that your behoovier in such a situation was unbecoming.” Horus piped up, Damara actually nodding in agreement.

“Whatever do you mean?” Kankri asked, blinking, “I was perfectly polite, why did she seem so odd as she left?”

Cronus of all people actually shook his head. “Chief, you royally screwved up.”

“Kankri, you idiot!” Porrim scolded, “This is all your fault for not hearing her out! Kagome wasn’t asking you to break your vow, she was trying to tell you that she’s pale for you for some strange reason and you just broke her heart before she could even tell you how she felt!”

Kankri’s heart clenched as he stared off in the direction she went, he truly did care for the human girl and felt bad for leaping to conclusions. “Oh my. I never knew- I just didn’t notice...”

“You’re the only one, chief. Didn’t you notice howv she’s done nothing but try to help you and keep your mouth from triggering the people you say you wvant to help? The way you keep situations from escalating wvhen someone sets off her temper? All the girl wvanted was to be held by the guy she hoped wvould be the shoulder she could lean on wvhen she couldn’t be strong anymore.” Cronus pointed out, “No one is saying you should break your vwow but moirailleigance usually doesn’t havwe anything to do wvith abstinence in the first place.”

Kankri, unsure and frustrated, clenched his hands into fists- unwittingly grasping the ends of his sleeves, and subconsciously bit his lip as he fought the urge to be hasty and go after her. “I... I need to give this matter some thought, it simply doesn’t do to rush into these things.”

“Kankri, you’re overcomplicating things.” Porrim interrupted sharply when he started to head off in the opposite direction than Kagome had, “It’s really very simple! Either you feel the same, you’re willing to give her a chance or believe that if she gives you time you could learn to return her feelings, or you don’t feel the same and don’t think that’s liable to change.”

Kankri thought about it, about Kagome and his memories of her. He remembered the sigh Kagome would give when trying to explain why people usually had problems with his discourses or acted as if he’d performed the very trigger or privilege abuse he’d been warning against, or perhaps even a worse slight. It was the sort of sigh that only ever seemed to accompany the sort of patience Kankri had only ever seen in jade bloods and lusii when interacting with wrigglers and pupas before Mituna’s accident. Kagome acted like he had no idea how to interact properly with others yet she didn’t treat him like a child, merely like someone who was clumsily handling something no one had taught him to handle. The grin she would give when he had succeeded in implementing something she had taught him to refrain from accidentally offending someone or even in condensing his lectures into a conversation format his friends were actually willing to listen to was a grin unlike any other he had ever seen. She had confronted Kankri about his methods rather than simply storming off, arguing about a point she disagreed on, or yelling at him when the occasion came where she had finally had enough of his lectures. Kagome had calmly asked him to clarify in a short, concise manner what he actually meant and gave him a well meant critique of his method and a warning about being considerate. Most importantly she didn’t simply keep the qualities that chased his own friends away in check, but she saw that he was lonely and strived to both properly befriend him and keep his already existing friendships from falling to pieces.

But it wasn’t simply a friendship containing the nurturing instincts of a mother or sister. Kagome had benefited from Kankri’s presence in her life and even had moments where she needed him over anyone else in turn. The way even the post scratch trolls and their human friends didn’t understand how if he was nearby when Kagome got angry or came upon a scene involving an angry Kagome he could quell her anger or calm it to something more controllable which could be focused on whatever had angered her in the first place rather than turning to unrelated matters or burning innocent bystanders who had handled mediating clumsily or targets of her ire whom had either responded the wrong way or made her even more upset. The way someone who cared about her actually cheering her up or trying to remedy the situation that upset her on her behalf was so rare before she met the beta trolls had been so rare that she treated such times like rare treasures to be cherished. Kagome was a beautiful, bright girl who proved to be so much more fragile than she let on if she actually let you in and while he had never seen her developing pale feelings for him coming Kankri had observed that not one of his eleven friends had noticed the emotional scars he later learned were the results of disastrous romantic ventures which disproved previous theories that on the off chance there was the occasional human capable of all four quadrants instead of sticking to just matespritship vacillation would never be a problem. Kankri disliked physical contact and yet... he found himself yearning to hold the human girl, and brush away her tears before punching whoever had made her cry.

‘Good grief, these thoughts aren’t platonic at all... when did I start to feel that way...?’ Kankri wondered, ‘No time to figure that out now, Porrim had a point! If how things turned out with Latula are any indicator this can only end well if Kagome and I talk this out as soon as possible!’

Disregarding bidding his friends farewell, Kankri ran off in the direction Kagome had left in, only taking enough time to answer Porrim’s and Cronus’ inquiry with a hastily shouted “I have to find her!”

>Rufio: Attempt to comfort the human girl.

The moment she could be assured that she wouldn’t be seen by those who had witnessed what she saw as her latest blunder, Kagome had started running. Rufio, while not as brave as others thought and oblivious to what he had put Damara through even after those less indifferent or cold-hearted about such things tried to explain it, was still a decent soul and had had enough of romantic drama having long lasting effects. Kagome was the last one, he thought, who deserved to go through heartbreak. Not when even though she blamed him for the drama that led to him being stuck with a horse-shaped cybernetic body and the showdown between Damara and Meenah she still gave him the time of day as a friend. It hurt him to see a girl like Kagome, who was so kind and sweet he wondered if it was equal to or greater than the part of Damara Meenah had erased, in tears. Rufio knew he had make mistakes, and the past few sweeps had shown him the key to realizing just how bad their consequences were. There wasn’t much he could do he could actually make up for them but the winged troll still intended to make amends the best he could and try to set things right. Just maybe doing right by Kagome, who had implied, he heard, she had gone through something as bad as or worse than what he and Horus had put Damara through, could be a start.

When Rufio finally found Kagome she was under a giant tree in a corner of the bubble that had taken the shape of the place on Earth she had called home. “Hey, Doll. You holding up okay?”

Having lost too much energy in her heartbreak and how tired she was of relationships going wrong for her, Kagome only shrugged in response. “About as well as can be expected, I guess. I’ll be fine, it’s not like I haven’t deal with it before despite having never had the chance to confess before.”

Rufio frowned. “You’re talking about your time on Earth right? You saying you never told your ex how you felt?”

“I’m saying Inuyasha’s and my relationship never even moved pass being platonic at all, no matter how much I used to wish otherwise before I opened my eyes to how things really were.” Kagome elaborated bitterly.

Rufio looked at her in shock. “What? How can someone turn down a chance with someone as sweet as you?”  
Kagome chuckled bitterly. 

“Because in his eyes, comparing me to the undead copy of his actual lover was like comparing one of you Alpha session trolls unfavorably to an incomplete copy of your post scratch incarnations.” she explained, “Imagine that, if you can. Imagine the worst part not even being that you never got to confront them about it to talk things out and gain some closure, but that you could never tell if the moments where they seemed like they were starting to like you enough to give you a chance ever progressed pass the point where in their eyes you were only a convenient low quality replacement.”

Rufio winced. “Damn...”

That was really all he could say to vocalize his reaction. Because what was there that he could say? The only thing that would really do any good before Kagome cheered up enough for advice to do any good was cheering her up. And Rufio had no clue what to do to cheer the poor girl up.

“I know Kankri can be harsh, but for him to not even hear me out... Is it me...?” Kagome asked brokenly, fading into almost a whisper, “Do I just repulse the guys that I actually like?”

“No no no no, Doll. No. Never think that you’re the problem. Guys like me who can’t be honest about how they feel in romantic situations until the other person isn’t listening or it’s just too late are the problem.” Rufio soothed, “It isn’t your fault that Kankri is oblivious and socially awkward, and that other guy you mentioned was too wrapped up in the past to see how wonderful you are.”

Kagome sniffed and then smiled.

“That’s sweet of you.” she said, and then she muttered, “But you better not be trying to hit on me, especially when you still haven’t gotten Horus to listen about wanting to break up and figured out what you want romantically.”

“You’re bangarang, doll, but I know that I’m not good enough for you as a matesprit. Possibly not even as a moirail despite however much I’d love to have one like you.” Rufio reassured, “Besides no matter which red quadrant we would fall under I’d have competition I doubt I could beat.”

“Kagome! There you are!” Kankri exclaimed, “I wish to talk to you, privately if that would be all right with both you and Rufio.”

Kagome looked up at him from where she was sitting on the ground, shock and awe that he was actually there in her eyes. ‘He... came after me... Inuyasha never did that, regardless of the unrequited feelings being flipped even Kouga and Hojo would never have followed me.’

Rufio took flight to give them privacy more quickly than walking would afford. “I’ll leave you two alone. If I find Horus maybe this time I can actually get him to listen.”

Rufio was gone before either could reply. Kankri approached Kagome and after making sure she was okay with it sat down next to her. He turned his head to look at her and noticed a stray tear. Frowning, he lifted a gray hand and gently brushed it away with his pointer finger before caressing her cheek with his thumb. When Kankri’s pale eyes finally met hers, they were swimming with so much emotion Kagome swore she could almost see hints of the vibrant red she had gathered they would have probably only just started to become before he died.

"I am sincerely sorry for my rash words, Kagome, I hope you believe that.” Kankri apologized, “I should have never spoken so swiftly or so harshly. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you, and I felt guilt the moment you turned away to leave.”

Kagome gave a sad smile. “I know you’re bad with things that aren’t academic or about the nuances of troll society, Kankri.”

“That wasn’t even entirely what happened, in my panic at being confessed to I looked to my knowledge of human culture and in attempting to apply it I jumped to conclusions.” Kankri explained, “It never occurred to me that you were attempting to adopt said nuances of troll culture until I was informed that I misunderstood the nature of your confession.”

Kagome gaped at him. “Misunderstood-?”

Kankri promptly elaborated. “It never occurred to me that anyone except perhaps Porrim might develop pale feelings for me, why you cared more than my other friends seemed to, or even to analyze my own fond regard for you. It had to be bluntly pointed out to me before I realized things were different towards you because you regarded me with conciliatory affection.”

Kagome face palmed. “You should know better than to make assumptions.”

Kankri sighed. “Indeed. And hopefully I’ve learned my lesson. I really do care for you, Kagome, and I do not want to lose you. Would you be willing to forgive me and be my moirail?”

Kagome smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder, giggling when he jumped in surprise and then tensed only to wrap his arm around her. “Of course, Kankri. Pale for you.”

Kankri, letting himself relax and enjoy the moment of intimacy, closed his eyes and nuzzled Kagome’s hair in contentment, smiling for the first time in a very long time. “And I’m pale for you.”

The road ahead was rocky. Very little could change the fact that Kankri Vantas was difficult at best. Nothing could change that Kagome had a bit of a temper. Both had suffered especially bad heartbreak and both tried to and unknowingly failed miserably at hiding the extent of the damage. But they balanced each other out and found solace in one another, and it was because they had managed to come so far despite being hurt in the past that the pair was determined to make things work. And for them, it would probably be enough. As for the present, they were just happy with what they had. The vindication of proving that Kankri could not only improve in the areas that pushed people away but even be a good moirail only proved to be a bonus. Especially when finally mastering sign language led to a very unexpected turn in Kagome’s interactions and relationship with Kurloz that shocked everyone after how things wound up with Meulin except for the shipping and cat obsessed girl herself, but that was a tale to reminisce over another time. In the present all that mattered was that Kagome and Kankri were happier than either had ever thought possible and felt that anyone who concentrated completely on their concupiscent quadrants or felt that said quadrant type was the only type of quadrant necessary had never found a proper moirail.

The End


End file.
